A practical guide to a 20-minute video first date
A good 20-minute video first date needs three things: a setup where the other person can see and hear you clearly, two or three things you are genuinely curious to ask, and a kind way to end it. Put your camera at eye level, face a window or a lamp, use headphones, and treat it as a conversation rather than an interview. The rest of this guide is the detail.
Why 20 minutes is enough
Twenty minutes is long enough to get past the opening pleasantries and into an actual conversation, and short enough that neither of you has given up an evening if it does not click. You are not trying to decide whether this is the person you will marry. You are trying to answer a much smaller question: would I like to talk to them again?
Holding onto that smaller question takes a lot of the pressure off. You do not need to cover your life story, and neither do they.
Set up ten minutes before
A lot of what goes wrong on a video date is technical, and much of it can be fixed in advance.
- Camera at eye level. Prop your laptop on books or lean your phone against something stable. A camera looking up at your chin flatters nobody, and a handheld phone is tiring to watch.
- Frame yourself from the chest up. Leave a little space above your head. If you talk with your hands, sit back far enough for them to be seen.
- Charge up and silence notifications. A banner sliding across your screen pulls your eyes away at exactly the wrong moment.
- Close other tabs and apps. Video is hard work for a device, and you will be less tempted to glance at something else.
- Test before, not during. Open your camera and check what the other person will see, including what is behind you.
Light and sound matter more than the camera
You do not need equipment. You need the light in front of you instead of behind you. Sit facing a window during the day or a lamp in the evening. A bright window or ceiling light behind you turns you into a silhouette, and a face that cannot be read is hard to warm to.
Sound is the part people forget. Headphones with a microphone, even the basic pair that came with a phone, cut echo and make you much easier to listen to. Pick the quietest room you have, close the door, and tell anyone you live with that you need twenty minutes.
Your background does not need to be styled. Tidy enough that it is not distracting is fine, and a real room tells the other person more than a blurred one.
Look at the person, and sometimes at the lens
On video, looking at someone’s face on the screen reads as looking slightly away from them. You do not need to stare into the lens the whole time, which feels unnatural and stops you from seeing their reactions. Just glance at the camera now and then, especially when you are saying something you mean. If you can, drag the video window so their face sits just under your camera.
Hide your own self-view if the software lets you. Watching yourself talk is distracting, and you would not hold up a mirror on a date in person.
What to talk about
Start small and specific. “How has your week actually been?” gets a better answer than “tell me about yourself,” which asks someone to summarize their whole existence on the spot. Then follow whatever they say that sounds like it has some life in it.
Aim for a rough balance. If you notice you have been talking for a couple of minutes, hand it over with a question. If they have gone quiet, offer something of your own rather than firing another question; a run of questions with nothing given back starts to feel like an interview.
We have a separate list of openers and topics in what to talk about on a short first date.
When something goes wrong
Video freezes. Audio drops. Someone’s dog starts barking. Name it, laugh, and carry on. How a person handles a small glitch is honestly useful information, and handling it lightly yourself is attractive.
If the connection is truly bad, turn off anything else using your internet, move closer to your router, or switch from Wi-Fi to mobile data. Say what you are doing so the other person is not left wondering where you went.
How to end it gracefully
Endings are awkward because nobody knows who is supposed to move first. A fixed length helps a great deal: when the time is up, it is nobody’s decision. Use the last minute or two on purpose.
- Say one true, specific thing. “I liked hearing about your sister’s restaurant” is better than “this was fun.”
- Do not ask for a verdict on the spot. “So, do you want to do this again?” puts someone in a corner on camera.
- Do not promise what you do not mean. “Nice to meet you, take care” is a complete and kind goodbye.
- If you are interested, it is fine to say so plainly: “I would like to talk again.” Then let them answer in their own time.
On Magnetic that last step is handled for you. After each date, each person is asked privately whether they would like to see the other again, and only a mutual yes is revealed. How a Magnetic Night works explains the rest.
A two-minute checklist
- Camera at eye level, face lit from the front.
- Headphones in, door closed, notifications off.
- Device charged or plugged in.
- Two things you are curious to ask.
- A glass of water within reach.
- A kind closing line ready, whichever way it goes.